Why Paying Attention to Your Story Matters in Eliminating Craving
Embracing discomfort is at the heart of the journey to healing from porn addiction.
In order to embrace discomfort, we cannot ignore the role that our bodies and brains play in storing memories and experiences as deep wells of discomfort in our lives. Embracing our stories - our past experiences - has become a greater conversation across culture than maybe ever before - should we care?
Who cares?!
If you’re reading this, chances are you’re looking for some guidance on your journey to overcome porn addiction. And let me tell you, you’re not alone. Many men just like you are navigating this tricky landscape, hoping to find clarity and peace. The goal here is to get comfortable with discomfort—to see it as a teacher rather than an adversary. Together, we’ll explore the difference between craving and discomfort, and how we can reframe these experiences to gain valuable insights into ourselves.
The truth is, we all have deep wells of discomfort in our lives—places we often shield ourselves from because of the pain they elicit. In this exploration, we’ll allow ourselves to be curious about how these discomforts influence our lives today.
Your Story Matters
Let’s start by diving into a concept that’s crucial to your healing journey: exploring your story. This isn’t just about thinking through your life narrative or jotting down a few notes in a journal. No, this is about understanding the essence of who you are and how your past experiences shape your present reality. And we can’t access the power of the brain’s rewiring capacity unless we are willing to be SPECIFIC.
What if much of your exhaustion, lethargy, and burnout stem from running away from your story?
What if the fatigue you feel is a direct result of refusing to engage with your past?
By “running from your story,” I mean ignoring how your family of origin and early experiences influence your current life.
You might have tried many things to grow—reading self-help books, attending workshops, or even engaging in therapy. Yet, despite all these efforts, you may still feel stuck. Why is that? The problem often lies in the nature of those experiences. Many resources focus on information transfer, operating under the assumption that right information will lead to right living.
The Limits of Information
In the world of personal growth, there’s a prevailing belief, especially within certain circles, that orthodoxy (right teaching) will ultimately lead to orthopraxy (right practice). But let me tell you something important: information alone is not enough to heal your heart and release the tension of these experiences within your body.
Consider the example of a nurse who stands outside a hospital, smoking a cigarette, despite having spent years learning about the causes of cancer. Or think of the doctor who saves lives all day but returns home to reflexively pour a bottle of wine, with no thought to its harmful effects on her health. Why do these contradictions exist? Because, quite simply, information alone does not penetrate the deeper layers of our brains.
Engaging Your Story for Healing
Engaging your story, particularly your experiences growing up, is arguably the most important step you can take to experience healing and growth. It’s about going even deeper than traditional talk therapy allows. The key, again, is specificity. Our bodies and brains hold on to specific memories and experiences which lead to generalized experiences, responses or reactions in the future as a result.
Conventional conversation often keeps you at a safe distance from the parts of you that hold deep emotions, unmet longings, and uncomfortable bodily sensations. While it can provide a valuable framework, it may not help you connect with the deeper layers of your brain—specifically, the limbic brain, which is crucial for emotional processing.
When you begin to talk about specific scenes from your life story, you will start to tap into those deep feelings and longings. You might even experience important bodily sensations that signal healing and growth. This is where the magic happens: by connecting with these deeper layers, you open the door to real transformation.
What Every Symptom Is Telling You
As we engage our story, it’s easy to start berating ourselves for what we perceive as wrong with us.
But let me ask you this:
What if every symptom you experience makes sense?
What if each symptom you have is telling a story—pointing back to something significant from your past that has something to teach you?
For years, I lived in a space dominated by fear, shame, and anxiety—feelings that were rooted in experiences I had never fully processed. Things that once supported me in safety and preservation now sabotaged my progress. It wasn’t until I got curious and paid attention to my story that I began to see these feelings for what they were: not just burdens, but opportunities for growth and understanding.
One of the most powerful breakthroughs we can make in delving into our stories is uncovering the states of being or the ways of behaving that have persisted that no longer serve us.
Similarly, every symptom you bear has a reason. Whether it’s anxiety, stress, or a sense of being stuck, there’s a story behind it. These reasons will emerge as you begin to explore your narrative, especially in relation to your early, formative years.
The Quest for Shalom
We were designed to experience what the Hebrew Bible calls *shalom*. Theologian Cornelius Plantinga describes *shalom* as “the webbing together of God, humans, and all creation in justice, fulfillment, and delight.” In simpler terms, you were made to experience and be an bearer of justice, fulfillment, and delight.
You experience this *shalom* in four key areas:
1. Between You and Yourself (Psychological)
2. Between You and Other People (Sociological)
3. Between You and the Earth (Ecological)
4. Between You and Your Creator (Spiritual)
Interpersonal neurobiologists use the term *integration* to describe peace, harmony, and delight in these areas.
When the various regions of your brain and body are well-connected, you experience intrapersonal (you and you) *shalom*.
When you’re meaningfully connected with important people in your life, you experience interpersonal *shalom*.
And when you are enrapt in the beauty and goodness of the Earth and creation around you, you experience a profound sense of connection.
When all four aspects of *shalom* are in place, you begin to experience the fullness of life.
The Bible calls it *shalom*, while scientists refer to it as *integration*. Ultimately, they’re capturing the same idea: it’s what we all want, and it’s what we were created for.
Moving from Disconnection to Connection
So, how do we transition from disconnection to connection in these four areas? How do we move from disintegration to integration? The key lies in making sense of your story.
More than any other factor, your past experiences—particularly those from your formative years—shape the way your brain operates today. It’s crucial to understand that your story matters.
Confronting Resistance to Engaging Your Story
You may have two primary reactions to this discussion about your story:
1. Skepticism: You might think, “What does my story have to do with my current situation?” or “There’s not much there to unpack.”
2. Overwhelm: Alternatively, you may feel that your childhood experiences were so intense that you don’t know where to begin or believe that digging into the past won’t help.
Regardless of which reaction resonates with you, I encourage you to notice and be curious about your feelings. Your response—whether it minimizes or amplifies the impact of your past on your present experience—is worth exploring.
Preparing to Engage Your Story
As we wrap up this section, I want to emphasize two important points:
1. Be curious about your reactions:
Notice any resistance or strong emotions that arise when you think about engaging your story.
What do those feelings tell you?
Are they defensive or curious?
2. Stay Open to New Insights:
Regardless of your immediate reaction, approach this new information with an open mind.
What might it reveal about your journey?
Embracing Your Past to Unlock Your Future
Embracing your story is not just a theoretical exercise; it’s a vital step toward healing from porn addiction. By recognizing the connections between your past and present, you can begin to transform the patterns that have held you captive.
Remember, this journey is not about running from discomfort but rather engaging with it as a teacher.
You’ve taken a significant step by seeking support and understanding. The path ahead may not always be easy, but as you continue to explore your story, you’ll uncover the insights and healing necessary for true transformation.
You’re not alone in this. Reach out for support, keep engaging with your story, and trust that lasting change is possible. Together, let’s create a future that embodies the *shalom* and integration we were all created for. You’ve got this!
We’re here to support you.
If you are ready to begin engaging your story and finding freedom in your life, schedule a discovery call with a Freedom Coach today.