You Gotta Stop Fighting and Fleeing Your Craving to Porn: It's Just REALLY Bad Advice
Introduction
More and more, internet people (read: “influencers”), especially in christian and mormon circles have begun to speak more openly about the crisis of porn and masturbation addiction and how it is crippling men and women. And there is a lot of increasingly good and relevant information out there about what is really happening in our brains and bodies, how using is negatively affecting our humanity and what to do about it.
Unfortunately, it is still common in circles across the world for mentors, coaches, even therapists and pastors, to counsel people to fight and/or flee from the “temptation” to use porn or masturbation. This is unfortunate because it has done an incredible disservice to what they are hoping to help happen: the elimination of the use of porn and masturbation as a coping mechanism in that person’s life. Even now, as you read that you may be thinking, “what do you mean don’t fight or flee from it!?!” What kind of new age voodoo are you trying to peddle?”
The answer is none, actually. After applying some variation of the fight (read: pray harder, go to church, just push through, “be a man”, go punch a pillow) or flee (read: leave the room, workout, distract yourself with something else, or my personal favorite bad advice - “clutch a rosary because that’d hurt”) method in my life for 23 years I finally found a different way grounded in neuroscience, the way our brains and bodies were ACTUALLY CREATED, and how craving for porn has highjacked these incredible systems designed to keep us safe and alive.
Dealing with cravings for pornography is a significant challenge and frequently overwhelming experience for many men, especially those in the early stages of their careers. Traditional advice often suggests fighting or fleeing these cravings, but this approach can be counterproductive. Instead, understanding how temptation and craving work in the brain, how we experience them differently, and what to do with them can lead to more effective strategies for overcoming these challenges.
In this blog post, I aim to explore these topics in detail, providing a comprehensive guide to managing cravings without resorting to ineffective methods like fighting or fleeing.
How Temptation and Craving Work in the Brain
Understanding Temptation
Temptation is a conscious, relatively unemotional thought that suggests, invites, or attempts to focus our attention on something that violates our ideals—those things we hold most important or sacred in our lives.
Examples of temptation include:
The desire to lust after an attractive woman at work, focusing on her appearance and allowing lust to build.
An unexpected, out-of-nowhere thought that invites sexual arousal.
A thought prompted by the image we scroll to on our favorite social media platform.
Understanding Craving
Craving is different from temptation. It is an overwhelming sensation of impending doom or a sharp increase in the desire to use, driven by deep emotional or physical urges. This obsession ties deeply to emotion, desire, and our attention, often becoming enwrapped in the pursuit of sexual arousal or pleasure. Craving at its most fundamental level is psychological discomfort MASQUERADING as sexual arousal. This manifests in our brain at a neurological level - we will explore this more below.
Cravings are usually experienced in two ways:
The Slow Build: Gradual increase in desire leading to an overwhelming need to use. If we resist it, it grows. As we avoid it with busyness or “putting it out of our minds”, it grows in a sense of impending doom.
The Sudden Overwhelming Presence: Immediate and intense desire to use. Most often experienced like getting slapped across the back of the head with a intense desire to use.
Brain Mechanisms of Temptation and Craving
Where Temptations Exist in the Brain
Temptations are external triggers that enter our mind through conscious experience, processed in our pre-frontal cortex (or “appraisal cortex”). This part of the brain allows us to choose whether to ruminate on these thoughts or move past them.
If we ruminate, it increasingly triggers the emotional cortex (limbic cortex) of our brain.
Prolonged rumination can turn a temptation into a full-blown craving, incentivizing us to act out to relieve the discomfort of that craving.
The Craving Cycle in the Brain
Craving is not just a response to external triggers, but also for those who use habitually, it operates as an automated loop in the brain, playing out between the appraisal cortex and the limbic cortex. Cravings often begin in the limbic cortex (not triggered by a temptation) and grow in intensity invigorated by the negative appraisals we make semi-consciously to the presence of the felt intensity of our discomfort. A negative appraisal is a thought about the presence of the craving like, “shit, I don’t want to fight this” or “this sucks!”. These appraisals trigger more activation of the emotional cortex, placing it more in the driver seat of our decision making, increase tunnel vision towards getting the discomfort to go away, and lessens activation of your appraisal cortex (decreasing your ability to make healthy ideal-driven judgments and subsequent behaviors).
How We Experience Temptation and Craving Differently
The Nature of Temptations
Temptations are more straightforward and often less emotionally charged. They are fleeting thoughts or desires that we can choose to ignore or dwell on. The key to managing temptation is awareness and decision-making at the moment of the thought.
The Nature of Cravings
Cravings are far more intense and emotionally charged. They involve a significant amount of distress and discomfort, making them harder to ignore. Cravings often feel urgent and pressing, demanding immediate relief, which can lead to compulsive behavior.
The Emotional Impact
Temptations can usually be managed with conscious effort and self-discipline.
Cravings, however, activate the limbic system, particularly the amygdala, which is responsible for our fight-or-flight responses. This makes cravings much harder to manage with sheer willpower, especially fight or flee responses.
What to Do with Temptations and Cravings
Responding to Temptations
With temptations, traditional advice often holds true. Here’s how to handle them:
Limit Triggers: Be mindful of environments and situations that might trigger temptations.
Resist Rumination: Actively choose not to dwell on tempting thoughts.
Conscious Awareness: Pay attention to what you think and consciously redirect your focus.
Responding to Cravings
Cravings require a different approach. Since cravings activate the limbic cortex and the amygdala, traditional methods of fighting or fleeing are not effective. These responses can actually increase the intensity of the craving.
The Problem with Fighting or Fleeing
Fighting or fleeing cravings creates more tension and discomfort, exacerbating the craving rather than alleviating it, as discussed above. This response engages the fight-or-flight center of the brain, which only amplifies the distress.
The Solution: Non-Judgmental Awareness, Reframing and Practicing Presence
Instead of fighting or fleeing, respond to cravings with non-judgmental awareness:
Practice Presence: Stay present in the moment and acknowledge the craving without judgment. This is HARD to do on your own, so we encourage men seeking freedom to find someone they can check-in with DAILY at the beginning of their freedom journey to uncover and be present to discomfort we subconsciously supress or repress.
Positive Appraisal: Offer a positive appraisal of the craving’s presence, seeing it as an opportunity to understand yourself better. Think now, “when I experience craving next, what is a more positive view I can take toward the presence of that uncomfortable, tense experience?” Use a phrase like “this is an opportunity to practice living out my ideals” to activate your appraisal cortex and keep it in the driver’s seat of your decision making.
Process Naturally: Allow your body and mind to process the discomfort naturally. As you notice the craving without reacting to it, the intensity will begin to dissipate. Simple breathwork techniques like the psychological sigh can be remarkably helpful to practicing this in real life situations.
Practical Steps for Managing Cravings
1. Practicing Presence
Mindfulness meditation can help you develop the ability to observe your thoughts and feelings without reacting to them. This practice builds the skill of staying present and non-judgmental. Breathing and drawing your attention to your experience is incredibly important to break the automated loop of craving. The easiest way to do this in your daily life is to notice when you feel positive or negative feelings inside yourself. Pause and draw your attention to them. Try and name the experience. Notice where you experience it in your body and what it feels like. Rather than repressing or suppressing the experience as we have so often learned to do, sit with it, even welcome it’s presence with an openness for what it is revealing to you about your learned responses to various triggers in life.
2. Breathwork Techniques
Controlled breathing techniques can help calm the nervous system and reduce the intensity of cravings. Techniques such as deep diaphragmatic breathing or the 4-7-8 breathing method can be particularly effective.
A simple breathwork technique to practice is the psychological sigh. Two short breaths in (2 count in, 1 count in) through the nose, and one deep long 4 count breath out through the mouth. Doing this just 3 times in a row reduces heart rate and regulates the nervous system.
3. Cognitive Reframing
Reframe your thoughts about the craving. Instead of seeing it as a sign of weakness, view it as a normal part of the recovery process. This shift in perspective can reduce the emotional charge of the craving. Again think, “when I experience craving next, what is a more positive view I can take toward the presence of that uncomfortable, tense experience?” Use a phrase like “this is an opportunity to practice living out my ideals” to activate your appraisal cortex and keep it in the driver’s seat of your decision making.
4. Journaling
Writing about your experiences with cravings can provide insight and clarity. Journaling allows you to explore the triggers and patterns associated with your cravings, helping you develop more effective coping strategies.
Personal Reflections and Growth
It’s important to reflect on your experiences and patterns to understand how to manage cravings more effectively. Here are some questions to consider:
What are the recurring patterns in your life that lead to cravings?
How do you typically respond to these patterns?
What areas of thinking or behavior are you most critical of?
How can you respond differently to these patterns?
Example: Overcoming Mental Blocks
For example, I used to beat myself up for every slip-up and for struggling to focus. I judged myself harshly, believing I was unfocused and mentally weak. However, when I started practicing awareness without judgment, I noticed patterns and connections I hadn’t seen before.
Identifying Patterns
One major pattern was hitting a "mental wall" frequently during work. I would experience overwhelm in the afternoon, leading to mental shutdown. By exploring this experience without judgment, I realized I was using mindless activities to numb the discomfort.
Implementing New Strategies
By reframing my thoughts and practicing presence, I began to manage these experiences more effectively. Techniques like breathwork helped me regulate my emotions and continue working through discomfort.
Conclusion: Embracing Progress Over Perfection
This journey is not about achieving perfection. It's about making progress and learning to be gentle with ourselves along the way. By embracing radical honesty and practicing awareness without judgment, you can transform your relationship with cravings and open up new possibilities in your life.
Stay curious, stay compassionate, and keep moving forward. Your willingness to be vulnerable and aware without judgment will directly influence how much you gain from this process—and from life itself.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with cravings for pornography is a complex challenge that requires a nuanced approach. By understanding how temptation and craving work in the brain, recognizing the difference in how we experience them, and applying the right strategies, you can manage these urges more effectively.
Remember, it’s not about fighting or fleeing—it’s about awareness, reframing, and being present. These practices will not only help you overcome cravings but also lead to greater self-understanding and personal growth.
Practical Tips Recap
Limit Triggers: Be mindful of environments and situations that trigger temptations.
Stay Curious: Ask yourself questions to understand your experiences better.
Practice Non-Judgmental Awareness: Observe cravings without reacting.
Use Breathing Techniques: Calm your nervous system during intense cravings.
Reframe Your Thoughts: View cravings as opportunities for growth.
Journal Your Experiences: Gain insights into your patterns and triggers.
By incorporating these strategies into your daily life, you can build resilience against cravings and move towards a healthier, more balanced approach to managing your desires.
Stay committed to your journey, and remember that progress, not perfection, is the goal. Each step forward, no matter how small, is a victory worth celebrating.
We are always here to help you accomplish the goal of living a craving free life.
Our mission is to help guys get free from the craving to porn in a year or less or we work with them for free until they are. If that would be helpful to you, you can reach out to us to schedule your free discovery call on our website, thefreedomgroup.co
We are disrupting the porn industry by removing its user base. Join us.